Characters: Anastas and Meka
Setting: Her room.
Content: SFWish. Language to be sure.
Summary: Stas confides to the only person he is ever completely honest with. Meka confides back.


Stas had been puzzling over himself since that peculiar conversation with Emilie. If he was being honest all of his conversations with Emilie were peculiar, but this one had him thinking.

Self reflection wasn't something Stas was very good or practiced at. Self deprecating: he was aces. Being honest with himself, he considered a strength and a flaw in the same breath, but he could do it. But looking at himself and seeing positive changes, well that just wasn't something Stas could handle.

He ambled across campus locked in his head, bribed his way into Meka's dorm and knocked on her door. It was a cheerful knock considering the dark mood he was in.

Stas needed some perspective and of all the people to offer it, Meka was the top of his list.

Meka sat up straight in her bed and eyed her door suspiciously. She hadn't been expecting anyone and just to make sure she hadn't missed a homework exchange she checked her calendar before opening the door. She was pleasantly surprised to see who was on the other side. "Stas," she said brightly. "What brings you here?" she asked stepping aside and allowing him to step into her room.

She left the door open but was quick with the muffliato charm so they could have some privacy.

He plunked down on her desk chair and proceeded to sneak a swig of scotch out of his hip flask. He looked at her with a genuine "fuck my life" kind of smile. "Mind if I unload?"

Oh did she know that look, she had been wearing it herself quiet a lot lately. She situated herself on her bed and look over to Stas. "Not at all," was her simple reply.

"I have been thinking." He stopped there and rolled his eyes. "I know. It is a bad thing. But there you have it. I have been thinking and now I cannot get out of my head."

She smiled at him and sighed. "Tell me about it," she laughed. "What's going on in there?"

"Nothing good." He leaned back to gaze at her ceiling for a moment. "I looked in the mirror this morning and I did not like the man I saw." He turned his gazed back down toward Meka and frowned. "I do not know how to fix it or go back to the way I was."

Meka chewed on her lip thoughtfully for a minute before replying. "Stasi," she said his name softly. "You have changed," she said honestly. "And yeah, it's fucking scary when shit changes but going back from here, it's like... regression," she laughed. "Talk about the American government," she snorted once and covered her mouth, a little embarrassed. "Seriously though, what don't you like?"

"Guilt," he replied simply. It was a horrible emotion he never bothered with before Sunny. "Is there a way to turn it off?"

She scooted closer, hanging her legs over the edge of her bed, she put her hand on his and gave him a half smile. "No, it doesn't turn off," she said simply. "I know enough about that trust me, and the only way to feel better about it, is to apologize, try to atone."

"That would not make me feel better." Plus he'd have to tell Sunny that he'd been a very bad boy with his list of usual suspects. "I do not know how to change myself to match the person I am in my head. I do not know if that even makes sense. To be honest, I do not know if the man I am in my head is the man I want to be."

"I don't think you see the man that some of us see," Meka looked at him with all seriousness. "It takes a little while for old habits to die out though, it takes time for your body to catch you with your head." She took a minute, trying to read his face. "You always were that guy and there's not much you can do to change it. Let's be honest because we can only ever be honest with each other," she grinned. "You care, you have for a while, it's just easier to pretend you don't."

He listened to her every word, biting the inside of his lip as they made more sense to him than anything else he'd heard. I want to stop self destructing. He wasn't quite ready for that admission though and he bit it back. "That is our secret," he said taking a very large step back. Then he changed his mind. "It was easier to keep people at arms length. I should have never let her in."

"Sorry babe, it's a little too late for that. She's in and so are you," she shrugged. "And trust me, I know it's easier to keep everyone at arm's length, to keep our secrets to ourselves," she nodded. "It's kind of nice to have someone to talk to, someone to just... let go with. It's nice to be yourself, takes a little getting used to though." She gave him a clever little grin. "Besides, if that was how you intended to take care of the problem then you would have to get rid of me too and you can't do that because then you'd be fucked for charms."

"I cannot tell her everything." I have not told anyone. He grew quiet, troubled in his thoughts again. "It is so hard to trust. So easy to break trust." He was a seasoned expert in breaking trust. A little more expert at setting low expectations, but Sunny kept raising the bar on him. "I do not know who to be."

"I know, it sucks. I'm on the same page as you about that. Some secrets need to stay that way," she said a bit unhelpfully. "It's terrifying to share even a little bit of yourself with someone but it happens and sometimes it's nice," then she shuttered. "And sometimes it's completely awful and wrong," she grimaced.

"No one wants you to be someone that you're not. I, for one, want you to be Anastas, whole and happy. You write yourself off too quick," she said giving him a meaningful look.

He was listening maybe a little too carefully. "Wait. What have you been up to?"

But he shrugged about himself. "It wold be nice to be Anastas, but I do not know him anymore." It was about as close to an existential crisis as he'd ever been (and he hoped ever would be). "That boy was so careless, so cold. It was easy to be him." Yet I do not want to be him. He sat in shocked silence when he realized that last sentiment was spoken aloud.

Meka shrugged off the idea of telling him anything when he continued talking. She stared at him for a long time. "You are not that boy anymore," she gave his leg a little smack. "But you can still be Anastas, just... different. It's always been there, just took a while for it to show."

"What I've been up to though, is not important at all," she could feel that sick embarrassment creeping into her stomach even as she tried to play it off like no big deal. It was apparent on her face that something was wrong.

"What you have been up to is equally if not more important than my little troubles." He pinned her with a look. "You have so much faith in me, do you not trust me to talk it over?" It was a tiny step backward, being a little bit of a jerk to get her to blurt it out. But it was also a step forward because he wanted to know in order to help.

She winced a little. "It's not that," she shook her head. "It's just... ugh," she let herself fall backward onto her bed. She couldn't look at him when she told him. "I did something really awful and embarrassing," she grimaced. "I can't... I don't even... I was wasted okay?" she said defensively before she had even told him what she had done.

"Geeka, my love, I am drunk for every awful and embarrassing thing. It is not an entirely reasonable excuse." At which point he lifted his flask, toasted to her and took a swig before holding it out to her. She'd have to sit up to take it and then maybe she'd look at him. It had to be bad if she was embarrassed to tell the boy known as the school bike.

She pulled a face that Stasi could not see and forced herself to sit up. She took the offered flask. "Cheers," she said lifting the flask before she drank from it. She could do this, she had to tell someone right? Looking at him guiltily she continued. "I kinda hooked up with that guy Sim," her face was burning already. "It was my first time," before she could even say another word she took another long drink from his flask and then handed it back.

Stasi's mouth fell open. He quickly closed it and moved from his seat on her chair to her bed. He didn't lean in too close. If he had learned anything from Sunny is was that girl's needed space when they talked about sex and they weren't feeling sexy. A very thin lined appeared on his jaw where his teeth clenched. He didn't know what to ask for or how to phrase anything so that it wouldn't embarrass her further. "Should I congratulate or console you?"

"You should slap me in the back of my head," she groaned. "It was so stupid," she let her face drop into her hands. "I don't... I don't even like him!" After a pause she sighed. "I feel so guilty and so angry at myself for it. And now I'm just another one of those stupid girls who slept with that kid! And for what? He paid two seconds of attention to me? What the fuck is wrong with me?"

Something dark fell across Stasi's face. Something old and horribly familiar. "Did he force you into it?" His voice was restrained, holding back the venom he'd use on Sim if Meka made the slightest indication that this wasn't her choice.

"He didn't," she said quickly. "It just... happened. One second we were kissing and the next he was on top of me and I, ugh, I don't know what I was thinking," she shook her head. "He's probably just as embarrassed about it. Let's be honest here, don't want to sully his image with a geek."

"Oh Meka," Stasi said and tossed his arm affectionately around her shoulder. "You would do any man proud. It is we who are not good enough for you." He wasn't going to lie, he was terribly relieved that Sim wasn't suspect. He might still have a chat with his friend, just to make sure he conducted himself well with his dear, little Meka. "I am a bit abashed that you did not ask me to relieve you of that awful virginity problem," he teased. Then he beamed. "If it will make you feel any better I have made so many mistakes with women that I am not certain I will ever get it right. Your slate is still pretty clean."

She couldn't help but laugh and lean her head against his shoulder. "Thanks Stasi, but I don't think I would ever be able to look at you again. Do you know how awkward that was?" she rose an eyebrow at her friend. "I ditched him in the morning. Straight up pried him off and floo'd back to Hawaii," she laughed again. "My slate is tainted," she joked. "Tainted by infamous boy slut Sim Buford," she shook her head. "FML."

"I have done worse," Stasi assured her, but he wasn't about to go into detail. "I would not let you lower yourself to sleep with me." He wasn't sure what the said about him, or about Sunny since he certainly wanted her to lower herself to be with him. "We are a fine mess, you and me."

"A fine damn mess indeed good sir," she smiled. "What do you say to a smoke?" she asked patting her pocket. "I could certainly use about ten right now."

"I think a smoke might clear our heads a bit more," he agreed and shoved his flask back into his pocket. He offered her his arm to escort her from the building and out to their favored smoking spot. "We will figure out shit out eventually," he commented as they walked. Maybe not any time soon, but eventually.

Meka looped her arm with his and enjoyed the leisurely walk to their usual stomping grounds. "Agreed," she said feeling a little bit better about things already. She was glad to finally have it off her chest, to know that there were worse things to do. "One day or another."

Tags: !complete, meka palakiko