There are no ghosts
Watching through your walls
So put the cross down
And there are no angels
Reading your thoughts
Keep your feet on this ground.
layout credit ♥

My name is Jess
I know the most amazing people.
I use my scribbld to:
whine, bitch, vent, express, ramble, praise, plan, organize, etc.

Thursday, January 1, 2009 ;; 2 post
The colors have built up in my mind
They're bleeding through my heart
And nobody knows that they exist
Look at my bursted veins
Now do you see the red in me
It's a sign for the end

Only the end of the red
Will show you my blue side

I've been given my brush and plate
But where will i paint my life
And will the buyer in the sky
Believe in what i dream
And it's so hard for me to explain
What i will miss
To myself


HAPPY NEW YEAR guyssssss

Yesterday I woke up late and Drew's mom told me he finally got some of our letters and he wrote back. I was beyond excited. So I had some coffee with Mrs. Carolyn and Mr. Larry and talked for a while and read his letters. After I left their house i went to give Alexis the letter Drew wrote her, only I forgot yesterday was her birthday. Like...i KNEW...but i didn' know?
Anyway so I have her hugs and kisses and ended up staying for dinner. Grumpy Kutter left early because he's sick. I gave her her Christmas present as well as the letter.
Ian's brother was there. Nick? I forget his name, but I like him. He's big now. He's in HS and everything. It's really weird. I mean he's always been pretty cool, but it's weird to see him look almost my age. *shrug*
After dinner with them I went home and put make up on and smoked a bowl with mommy.
I played cards while waiting on Brittany and David to come pick me up.
When they got there we got some rum and went to Brit's sister's house. I mixed drinks the wrong way and ended up throwing up all night and not even close to tipsy or drunk. Real disappointment, on the reals. :) heh...
BUT we ended up all decorating some wife beaters and going to Dick and Jane's. I had a blast. We danced for ever and i saw so many people that I miss.
Devin, Kym, Kata's brother Drew, Ame, David Williams, and a few others were there. Everyone being around really excited me. Too bad I was so sick. Ugh.
I'll put pictures up as soon as I get some!
Brittany Smith amazes me with her body and how great of a dancer she is. She seriously blows my mind.

Gee I sure wish some of my mom friends would have been there.

I'm tired. My legs hurt. Drew's visitation is in a few days. Today I'm resting and going to sleep early. In like 4 or 5 hours. No lie.

(I do wish I could be consistent with anything. My opinions don't even stay the same. "I hate I love, I don't care, no, I love you again, wait I don't know. Don't talk to me.")

At this particular moment I hate my mom's bf, Chris, and Sarah.
I'm sure that will change soon. Maybe in a matter of minutes.

THAT is why I love Drew. He's the only person I know who understands it.

Monday, December 22, 2008 ;; post
Yeah, so I'm pretty much worthless lately.

If I don't have someone telling me to do stuff
I will stay in bed until I can't any more.

Yesterday I went to Sam's and smoked the worst blunt I've ever rolled.
Then we watched Full Metal Jacket.
I was home by 2 probably, but I slept until 6 pm today.
I only got out of bed because I had a headache.
I've been on the couch since. Drinkin' vodka and cough syrup. Healthy, much?

I've been writing Drew a letter also.
I love Sundays. The trains don't come by so much.
It's quiet.
Chris's alarm is going off and its fucking loud and he obviously can't hear it. it's 2:30. WHY is his alarm going off?
My mother has been bitching because I don't sleep at night.
Tomorrow I have to get up early and run errands.
By early I mean about 10am. Lol.

I miss Drew so bad.
If you would like to write him, let me know.

Kyt, lets hang out. C'mon.

And does anyone know of anywhere I could apply? I'm really looking for something more professional, you know? It doesn't matter at this point. Let me know. <3

I'll update later. It's late. I'm kind of out of it.

Friday, December 19, 2008 ;; 4 post
I haven't updated this thing since June.
Thinks have changed. I got through my first semester at MUW with a 3.09 gpa.
I transfered to Hinds.
Drew went to jail.
I talk to Kyt again. <3

Tomorrow I have to pick up stupid benjamin from Sam and Marty's and take him to Alexis's house.
Why can't Drew have a cute wonderful loving fluffy cat that everyone wants to take? I feel like I'm fucking people over by trying to get them to watch the poor thing.

Oh yeah I'm sick too. No fun.

Dick and Jane's Saturday night, let's go!

Tuesday, June 24, 2008 ;; 1 post
Honestly I forget I ever went to high school.
I don't feel any different.
Now there is even less to do with my day.

I have a routine now.
Wake up and take Drew to work at 6 am.
Sleep until 11.
Eat lunch with Drew.
Clean, clean, clean.
Run/swim/tan at the gym.
Work at 4:30.
Home between 6 and 9:30. (shit hours I'm telling you)
Food. TV.
Bed 10-11.

Drew just left to go on a trip for work. Hell be gone until Thurs.
It's particularly upsetting to be in his bed and room by myself.
I feel like its his even though I pay for it too...
but it doesnt help that i cant just go do something.
I have no friends here to occupy my mind.
I have nothing but the gym and a few hours of work a day.

I'm pretty positive Kyt has blocked me from everything. Understandable I suppose.
Sucks though. I'm not sure I would talk to her if I could though.
I have nothing to say to anyone unfortunately.

Drew and I were pretty bummed not to see Kut and Alexis last time we were in Jackson.

I will say that I'm glad I don't have a child yet. I couldn't handle it.
Parents don't have time for themselves. They don't have time to get online, to see friends, talk on the phone. Having a child seems more restricting than anything I can think of.
I feel bad for my new parent friends. You all seem so miserable. Happy with your children, but miserable with work, home, life and how things are working out.
I want the best for all of my friends, but there's nothing i could do to help.
I hope that all of you can have a chance to breath soon
and just relax.

Sunday, March 30, 2008 ;; 5 post
Friday night I worked.
Saturday I was off all day.
I woke up about 8:30 because we had a 9 o clock meeting. The managers literally only talked for about 2 and a half minutes. They let us clock in for the meeting and we were pissed for having got up so early to be there for nothing, so they let us talk and argue.
After the meeting I was hanging out with stuart, joking about how everyone in our entire restaurant was taking a smoke break. Stuart stuck a cig in my mouth and lit it. I didn't die, so that was cool.
I can tell you...cigarettes are no where near as great as weed is. His menthols did make my throat and chest feel all cold and good. :P

Brit and i were supposed to rearrange my room, but we were way too tired. I slept til about 1:30. I laid in bed for a few hours trying to find something to do, but everyone was busy in some way.
Yesterday was one of my sad days. I just moped around about how lonely i was all day and about 5 Mom got home and we went to the mall to try to find a graduation dress.
Right now every dress in every dress store around lakeland looks like a big polka dotted pillow case.
Everything was for people trying to cover up their rolls. It pisses me off because I want something to actually FIT my body. I hate those fucking maternity looking puffy shirts and dresses and i REALLY hate the ones with no shape at all. Thats all they have. Big neon polka dots.
SO, no luck there.
I happened to see Ty when i went to the mall.
It was really ironic because a few seconds before my mom got home he told me he didn't want to hang out with me because he was too sad about Britt and didn't want to talk to anyone...then like 30 min later he's at the mall with 2 girls shopping.

Back to the mall again.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008 ;; 2 post
I need to be asleep
but instead I'm updating like a jerk.

Mom woke me up this morning to go eat lunch with her. It was really sweet and wonderful of her to invite me.
I went and ate shrimp and a ceasar salad and it was delicious.
Then I bought shoes, went to the bank, and bought checks.
I have 300 dollars at the moment.
Im not sure if that includes yesterdays transactions or not. If not, then I really only have 200.

In early april i should get about 300.
I also get paid in 2 weeks. so that should be another 200.
I intend on saving every penny any only spending my tip money.

Mom and I talked about financing a car instead of getting Chris to find and fix one.
That means I will stay at Mazzio's until I officially have a job in Starkville.

I cleaned a little.
Talked to Drew for a while.
He's amazing. He hurt his ankle.
I yelled at him for being a lazy as and putting off finding a job.
He didn't get mad. Apparently he's job hunting while I'm at school tomorrow.

I went to return some movies and called Brit.
I went to go see her and we hung out and talked and i tried to convince her and Ty to stop being whiny-faces and admit that they love each other. Ty did. Brit admitted it to me, but not him yet.

We went to Animal House to drop James off some food. We talked a bit and looked up piercings and tried to get ideas for tattoos. It was fun.
I found these earrings i want but they're expensive.

I dropped Brit off and came home. Talked to Drew for a while.
We looked up on a bunch of different earrings and such.
I'm pretty sure I'll guage to a 4 and stop.
Alexis and i are looking at the site together...
Scarification makes me sick.
I'm not even sure how to feel about "sounding".
There's all kinds of shit. There's this skin punch thing...that punches out holes of skin at once.
It hurts to think about.

I found out Lily is pregnant.
That blew me away.

And Brent apparently twisted his ankle drunkenly trying to dive into Misty's windshield.
And he also most likely was the one who stole his roomate's car and returned it when he fucked up the wheels and tires. lol.


Monday, March 24, 2008 ;; 1 post
Tyler beat me to the shower because I made the dumb decision to get online.

Mom woke me up to invite me to lunch with her.
Yesterday it turns out she went to Wal-mart to buy us a new microwave and some shampoo and conditioner.
She really is extremely thoughtful. She literally works like 65 -70 hours a week.
That's absolutely insane and it makes me feel bad for her.
I feel bad for moms. I have more sympathy for moms than crime victims usually.
You basically give up your life, plans, and ideas to take care of your children.
You love your children so much that you risk everything to make them happy.
And no matter what they will go through a "I hate my mother" phase where everything she does is wrong.
I could kill Tyler for the way he talks to her sometimes...

Monday, March 24, 2008 ;; 2 post
I only title this entry "sins" because I am currently talking to Alexis about how the pope added 7 NEW deadly sins to the ancient list of 7 deadly sins.
Hey guys, now we have the 14 deadly sins...

This, boys and girls, proves to me that religion is bullshit. Well, duh.
"The new deadly sins include polluting, genetic engineering, being obscenely rich, drug dealing, abortion, pedophilia and causing social injustice."

I'm going to hell.

This should have been the opening scene to the movie Idiocracy.


I lost my charger. Went to Tmobile. They gave me a brand new charger for free, but i bought a prepaid phone because i needed a new phone. I'm excited because i can give Drew the prepaid SIM and my old phone. I also went to bath and body works and bought this midnight pomegranate stuff and the coconut lime stuff. It's amazing and i am satisfied.
I came home and Nakita came over. We went to eat at China Bell and it was AMAZING. We rented movies...which all turned out to be about suicide.

Movie overview:
Virgin Suicides- Amazing. I'd never seen it before. Kind of sad. I was upset because I felt that I was left in the dark. There was no real resolution. No happy ending. :(

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not- Audrey Tatou (Amelie) is the star. It's a CRAZY love story. I loved it. It made me pretty emotional, but it was so worth renting and watching in my opinion. Audrey is a phenomenal actress. I recommend you rent it, but you'll have to read, because it's a french film.

The Suicide Club- Japanese film. It was really weird and I kind of didn't get it. Basically something happens in Tokyo and suicide becomes "the thing to do".
This band of little kids is behind all of the "murders"/"suicides". It's really gory with terrible effects. Also theres some weird guy that looks like a japanese michael jackson/bowie thats in the mix of the suicide club.
Basically mass suicides all over and the police investigate and theres some message their trying to get accross about being connected to yourself. Its a really trippy movie. I can't really decide if i like it or not. I think I did, but you'd really have to have a weird taste to like it.
Its really cute though. Like...gory creepy and funny cute.
OkAy...the opening scene is 55 really hot little asian high schoolers in uniforms from different schools are in the subway station and they all hold hands and jump in front of the train and die.
and another part this guy jumps off an building and hits his girlfriend who happened to be walking down the street. She gets pissed at him for trying to kill himself and all he says is "what a coincidence".

Silly japs.

Well today I wake up with Nakita. We shower, get in spring dresses, get pretty, watch the Virgin Suicides, and wait for my mom. Mom doesn't show. I start to color eggs without her but can't because all the cups in my house are filled with dip spit sitting in the living room because of chris. The trash is piled to my chest of shit because Tyler just keeps piling shit instead of doing anything. He quit his job and doesn't have another so he just plays video games. He owes me money and trashes the house. I start to take out the trash. The trash can is filled with mold and nasty shit from wehre chris's dip cups have spilled inside it. Tyler is still yelling at his video games. That does it for me.
This place is literally tearing me apart. I can't live like this. I have no car because my dad is a low-life piece of shit father who fucked me over and wasted my money. He won't pay me back either. If i had his number I'd call him and tell him to come get the piece of shit, and give me my fifteen hundred back. My house is embarrassing. Everything is covered in dirt or grease from the guys. There are 10 cars in my front yard that is now mud and not grass because they keep driving on it. The dishes are all over the counters and the living room everything is strewn out in the middle of the living room floor. My room is the only room thats remotely clean. I was furious that mom blew me off. Furious that Chris and Tyler are scum, just like every other guy I've ever known. My dad, Chris, my brother, my uncles, every boyfriend or male friend of my mom, dad, brother, or uncles have all been low life lying sacks of shit.
The few decent men I've ever known are probably Drew, Taylor, Kutter, and David from work. I mean, everyone has their hang-ups...but they are amazing.

I wish I had somewhere to escape to. When Drew was around, he was my escape. The Warehouse was my escape from Eric, Tyler, Mom, and my home life. Drew's always been the one to save me from whatever bullshit was at home. He's not around anymore though...
Nakita isn't around. Amanda is so hung up on Taylor she doesn't realize I'm beginning to hate her.
Alexis is amazing, but she has a baby, and responsibilities. I still don't have a car. I would be in the way all the time if I even was allowed to stay there for a few days. I can't exactly drive over there and say hey...and she can't come get me because she's so busy.

It's stressful. I don't know what to do with myself or my time.

...after i tried to clean
i started crying.
I called mom, no answer, so i left chris a voice mail screaming about how much of a fat pathetic peice of shit fuck he is.
Then i cried a lot more. Nakita is amazing. She doesn't make me feel awkward that i was crying. She helped a lot. I loved having her around so much.
Then I called Drew crying.
There's no doubt in my mind I'm completely in love with him.
Within a minute I was laughing and smiling. Literally.
He and Nakita are the most amazing people I've ever known.

I got tears in my ears from laying on my back and crying. So Nakita and I are thinking about getting tear tattoos on our ears. That's exciting. I've been wanting a tattoo there, but I didn't know what.

Mom told me they're doing the tax refunds by the last 4 digits of your social.
Guess what mine is! 0834! that means I will be among the first to get my refund. Only 300 because I'm a kid, but that's still exciting. I will be putting my check in the bank soon too. I should already have my taxes back though. It's directly deposited so i really don't know if i got it or not.

Built to Spill is amazing.

Oh and appearantly
David Ware and Ashley McBride told Ty and a bunch of people that Drew and I are trying to have kids.
This blew me away. I told Ty to tell them I'm already 5 months pregnant. That's too funny.

Also, I just realized my camera usb cord and my phone charger were together. I think they're at Amanda's. I'm sure if thats comforting or just pisses me off more.

Thursday, March 20, 2008 ;; post
Honestly the concrete details are completely blurry to me.
Sometime between Friday and Sunday....
I worked. Hung out with Amanda. Saw Drew a few times when he came to town with Jonathan. We went to visit Kutter Nolan and Alexis. I took a bunch of pictures and we laughed and watched Awesometown and The Whitest Kids You Know episodes. It was a lot of fun.

We left Saturday and went to Carthage for Johnny's farm party.
It was way out in the middle of nowhere. It was a perfect day. Like 70-80 degrees, nice wind, and a beautiful farm. He has a lake, horses, all kinds of stuff. After everyone showed up we set up a bonfire, broke out the alcohol and drugs, and partied down. I had 2 mepergans and a valium and a few mixed drinks. It was an amazing night. Everyone was having fun around the fire. I passed out first. Drew woke me up about 7 am when he tried to get in bed but ended up throwing up everywhere. Lol. We left the farm about 12ish and ate mexican when we got to Starkville. From that moment to pretty much an hour before i left was nothing but smoking, sleeping, eating. We were really lazy and miserably fat the whole time. It was fun though. I miss having Drew just around.

blah blah blah
buy me a car
Pictures of this week )