☁ янσ∂є ☂ кαмєℓσт ♪ (indreams) wrote,
@ 2011-08-06 23:20:00

Entry tags:

open meme

YOU ARE NOW DRUNK.

Carry on.

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	done keepwalking 2011-08-08 09:40 am UTC (link)
	At least if they have something to go back to... [Turning then with a more purposeful, if strained smile as he folds his hands in his lap.] It's better if they're safe where they belong. Home. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	1/2 soundthebugle 2011-08-08 10:38 am UTC (link)
	...I hope that's where they've gone. The Animus keep saying strange things. [His brow furrows at that, worry entering his features just enough to strain his usual polite expression.] (Reply to this)(Parent)

	2/2 soundthebugle 2011-08-08 10:40 am UTC (link)
	But, better I get stuck there than them. [He laughs softly but, it doesn't hide any of the soul-weary feelings that have long since bubbled up inside of him.] [Because there's no where to move forward to.] (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	1/3 keepwalking 2011-08-08 11:35 am UTC (link)
	[A pause and a glance over. The Animus? Though the question would be more... 'strange things'?] (Reply to this)(Parent)

	2/3 keepwalking 2011-08-08 11:39 am UTC (link)
	[...Still. ~~The basic issue still stands.~~] (Reply to this)(Parent)

	3/3 keepwalking 2011-08-08 11:40 am UTC (link)
	[Leaning back a little, he nudges his counterpart.] You're still depressing. [He can hear that soul-wearyness. But... it doesn't mean his expression is any less quiet; sympathetic. Because there is always forward. ... Even if we don't know where towards.] (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	soundthebugle 2011-08-08 11:52 am UTC (link)
	[He makes a face at the nudge and pokes right back.] As long as I'm moving forward, how it is depressing? [You didn't hear anything. Smile, smile like always. He's fine. ...even if he has no idea what he's moving towards.] (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	keepwalking 2011-08-08 12:01 pm UTC (link)
	[You are not fooling him, self.] Then sound like it. [... Nudge.] (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	soundthebugle 2011-08-08 12:57 pm UTC (link)
	[No? How about this smile. It is all but a ray of sunshine over here.] I am sounding like it. [... Poke.] (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

	1/2 keepwalking 2011-08-08 02:24 pm UTC (link)
	[For a long moment, Allen just... looks down at his slightly younger self. Just... looks. ... Oh. God.] (Reply to this)(Parent)

	2/3 keepwalking 2011-08-08 02:25 pm UTC (link)
	[And then lets his head tip back with a muffled groan.] Ahhh- [He scrubs at his face before looking up at nothing in particular a little dismally.] So that's what Lenalee means. [Mmf. He almost forgets to respond to the poke in the sulking realization.] (Reply to this)(Parent)

	3/3 keepwalking 2011-08-08 02:25 pm UTC (link)
	[... Almost. N u d g e.] (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

1/3

soundthebugle
2011-08-08 02:39 pm UTC (link)

[A wave of pain rolled through his mind with a clap of thunder. Lenalee. She'd come and gone twice, they hadn't got to talk much. He'd kept things from her yet they both knew what he'd come from. The cold unforgiving darkness of the dungeon where his future was an endless torture of questions and pain. Until he found a way out or his will was broken. He'd long ago vowed to die first than betray his comrades.]

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2/3

soundthebugle
2011-08-08 02:49 pm UTC (link)

[He sighed again then rubbed at his face. Of course his other, older self would see right through him. Like Merlin had. This time visible sorrow cracked his smile. No one understood him like Merlin. No one. And time and time again, he lost him. It hurt. Like sharp needles jabbed into the crock of his arms. Eventually he backed off, walking away from the fire that kept searing him. This time when battered and powerless, he'd tried again.

He regretted it already. Months had not dampened the feeling of kinship. Somehow, that made it worse.

What if he lost him again?]

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3/3

soundthebugle
2011-08-08 02:57 pm UTC (link)

[But, Allen would rather reach out again and again than live like he had in the circus. It was going to burn. To ache. To feel like his nerves were a sea of agony. But it was better than the detached, unfeeling existence... No. No it had always hurt. But this would be borne out of love for all rather than the pain of fear. From the beginning of his conscious existence, he had started with it. Taught to be afraid.

No more.

He met his counter-part's eyes not dropping his usual expression but, not bothering to dodge or hide what had been churning in him since he woke to find Tyki had vanished during the night. To find Merlin returned. And to be alone in a vast castle as everyone he cared for, forgot him.] It's better than nothing.

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	1/? keepwalking 2011-08-09 06:52 am UTC (link)
	[Even when intoxicated by unknown substances and somewhere between a good mood and oi, don't look at him like that--Allen has to still, the fog of that evaporating as quickly as his double's last semblance of that smiling mask drop. Oh.] (Reply to this)(Parent)

keepwalking
2011-08-09 06:55 am UTC (link)

[--Mm. He... kind of does feel like a heel then, and hesitates with a bit of a guilty stab. (There might be reasons other than a Pavlovian nausea with alcohol about why he would normally never really drink.)

But there is also just that... He knows. And when you're looking at yourself...

... We kind of have to jibe to keep from looking too closely at reflections we don't really want to see.

But give Allen a few more years (and returning to his normal ever-sober self) before he has the wisdom to realize that.]

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keepwalking
2011-08-09 07:00 am UTC (link)

['Haven't seen anyone from home in months... Better I get stuck there than them.' No, he can guess from that why he looks so pained. He hadn't even considered what it meant for himself in Atollo--not had time to, perhaps?

Was he lucky so many people from home were with him? Kanda, Link, and his Master, all presumed dead and not remembering the things Allen remembers, from times before they... disappeared. Even Rhode--had she perished from the blow she took for him only to reappear here?

It doesn't matter and--it does. Everything and every moment they had alive matters and it's pointless to dwell on how or why if there's nothing they can do to change it.

But it's not so simple... Allen knows he has to go home. It's not even a question--that is everything in the end-all right now, despite the clouds hanging over his and the heads of others about... what they do and how their paths part whenever they do return. He and Lenalee and Lavi and Tyki--they're meant to be home. Even with separate paths the instant they touch back home they have responsibilities they have to return to. And god only knows Allen hates a good deal of Atollo, even if he does sincerely believe they are needed for something and just wants to resolve that so they can all return home--without... those misguided notions of... ... w e l l.

... But what of those of them who would return home presumably to... ... To possibly die?

Where is home then and what path is there when it forks and loops back on itself like some kind of seasick Möbius strip?

Always an Exorcist.

Always protect his friends. His family.

Always remember our promise to destroy and save the akuma. (But what now when he's so separated from them the sense of one is almost a foreign memory to recall?)

Destroy and save... Love and family... Friendship and comradery... Despair and hope. Ever faith.

What about when he keeps realizing that there's more?]

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	keepwalking 2011-08-09 07:02 am UTC (link)
	[...And maybe it's comforting the one thing constant for Allen is he really can't explain any of it. And... that's okay. Not really, but if he can't figure it out and can't do anything about it... ... Well, he'll have to keep focusing on what he can do. It's served him well so far. ] (Reply to this)(Parent)

done omg

keepwalking
2011-08-09 07:03 am UTC (link)

[And regardless... We always smile through it. And finally he does in return, expression dropping to something gentle and thoughtful.] Yeah.

[Until we one day when we actually feel like it.] It is.

[To be happy for the friends we have with us and be happy when they go home... even if it hurts. If they go home safely. (You're stuck like him, too, right? All the notions of being a fake aside. This falls under "I can't explain it but I don't need to explain it.") Everything we do is with that in mind, isn't it? Return with everyone--and not before them.

Lonely's okay. We're used to being alone, right?

Or... we were. A really long time ago.

Even when it hurts. Even when it seems like the powers that be toy with us. Even when it seems like a sick and twisted sort of thing--it's not all bad either, right?

Maybe the reverse for him. Like when Rin been so happy to see him--and then cried when she realized he didn't remember her. Others he'd never seen before claiming to remember him as well--and then Link returning without his memories.

It frustrates him, but the answer is clear in that way where he finds himself just blurting it out before he's even thought about it: it doesn't matter. We'll be friends again. We'll be okay. We'll find a way.

Even when we don't remember everything, it doesn't change who we are. Even losing our memories--we never lose each other.

If anything... that's hopeful.

It's something to believe in.]

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1/??

soundthebugle
2011-08-09 11:32 am UTC (link)

[It is dangerous to get to peer into your own depths whether one is on the precipice of victory or, buried in the slow moving sea of despair. What is seen is never unseen and it could haunt one forever if they let it. Normally Allen is ignorant of these things, peacefully oblivious behind his smile. Usually, there's only one of him in the world.

Until now.

It's a blessing he's intoxicated or he'd be making that frustrated thoughtful look where his features look sharper and his eyes harden like chips of gray ice. There's never any doubt who his master is when that expression is present. But that isn't the point.

Despite the loneliness, Allen was aware one day he would go home again. Back to the dungeon and Rei a seer had said quite simply 'You have work to do.' Whether by fate or misfortune, this was the path he'd made for himself and he was going to forge his road through it. Nothing or no one on Earth could snatch the life lived in hardship and constant forward momentum away from him.

It remained when he preformed his duties within the city. Such things spiraled through his soul when Lucifer sought to harm everyone and he raised it like a blade in their defense. The blame didn't matter. Being a scapegoat for others anger was the normal order of the world for Allen.

But nothing controlled him. He would not be bested, or won. Like a law from a time when society was not even a glimmer in the eyes of humanity, he stood resolute.

And in that he wasn't alone. There were others that joined the table in Adstringendum. While they did their duties in their own ways it was order in chaos. For every trouble there was someone with experience to handle it.

While in the city he practiced in the mornings, honing his skills.

Merlin had pointed things out before. Talked about what they envision and how difficult it seemed for anyone else to get why they mourned all even the most evil bastards.

Save everyone, feel compassion even when those you reach for don't understand your concern for them. Hate no one. There's something in everyone and you'll reach for it until there's no other choice but to fight. Oppose those who would seek to control and limit others because of what they are or what they do.

Allen's world rapidly expanded in the city in ways that left traces of change down through the veins within his soul.]

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2/??

soundthebugle
2011-08-09 11:46 am UTC (link)

[Good or bad, he had gathered some wisdom to see things that made him twist in knots before. There's always more than our vows and beliefs. He knows that these days. Allen had added things to the list of vows and promises like a knight bowing before his king and swearing to defend all of his blood and not just his most just majesty.

No matter how exhausted with everything he was. Through the loneliness and sorrow, he endured. The spirit that flared in ways that created hope would never fully die. Like a flame it rose and fell but never went out. Fierce gales of subjugation or tornadoes of doubt could assault the keep where it was kept but neither made it through. They never would.

But once again, that wasn't the point.

Deep down he really was lonely. Afraid. Tired. So many things and all of it bad. When would he reach the end of his rope? Where was the line between just enough and too much?

Allen didn't have any of the answers. They eluded him and explaining things hadn't even been his forte. Well, about himself. Other people were easier. You didn't have to look back and feel like you were wasting time that could be devoted to helping. To ending the suffering a little bit sooner.

Everyone had to go home, even those that would rather stay. None of them belonged in the city where no one died and everyone hurt in some way or another. Despite the Gods that took their anger out on them, there had to be a way out.

Wasn't there always a way to keep moving? Usually there was. But finding it was a difficult thing where he was trapped.

Yet, when were things ever easy for Allen Walker?]

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3/??

soundthebugle
2011-08-09 11:58 am UTC (link)

[He'd said it to Merlin earlier 'we should only focus on what we can do' and that was alright for now. It had to be. There was nothing else.

Which brought him to his counter-part who looked like he had seen some things he'd rather not peer at too closely. Hopefully he wouldn't come to see what he did. That sometimes no matter what you do, someone is lost along the way. Nothing lasts forever and everyone parts ways eventually. It isn't cynicalism that fuels his thoughts on the matter. But a quiet kind of hope where everyone is still connected even when they part.

Maybe he'd be close friends with Merlin again. Perhaps Mister Roland would be kind and like his company when he came to visit.

As he'd said. It was better than nothing.]

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4/4

soundthebugle
2011-08-09 12:02 pm UTC (link)

[And that wasn't now, where he sat up slowly and with care. Allen could see he needed to give the other Walker some form of comfort. It wasn't easy to see all that was being shown. He wasn't sure he was happy with how much he was being read. Quietly, and mindful of how drink made him feel off-balance, he slipped closer to the older boy.

Until their mutual body heat giving off their bodies could be felt. Then he silently hugged his double.]

And it will be alright.

[He said, in a low raspy voice. Because he really was so tired and battered by life. But to him, it didn't matter. Everyone else did.]

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	1/? what is this ide keepwalking 2011-08-10 08:26 am UTC (link)
	[What... No, stop for a moment there. What's happening. There's a blink and an almost comical twist of his expression into buh? The weirdest sensation in the world is being hugged by someone who looks exactly like you and is, well--yes this has to be that alternate worlds thing. Give. Allen. A moment.] (Reply to this)(Parent)