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*Drowning* [25 Aug 2010|11:00pm]
[ mood | numb ]

Some days I want to scream,so others maybe will get a chance to feel this pain inside me. I keep trying to breathe and suck it up,this is the longest relationship I have been in and I'd like to continue it but what are you suppose to do when you feel like the other persons given up? Do you just take it and try your best to be happy with them? That's what I've been doing,I keep letting stuff go because I want it to work so badly for us and for the baby but I feel like I'm drowning and that he wouldn't even lend a hand to pull me out of the water,he's too busy to even notice me gasping for air. I feel like I have no other options if I don't stay here then where? I don't know perhaps its just prego emotions. I just wish this feeling would end...

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*It's Time...this is as close as it's gonna come to me letting you go* [26 Mar 2010|03:34am]
[ mood | Trying ]
[ music | Kesha-Your Love is My Drug ]

They say if you love someone you have to let them go and see if they come back. I personally think that it shouldn't be that way and if it has to happen that way I think they were never truly in love with you,but that's just my personal opinion. I do however believe in giving people space which is what I'm now trying to do. I'm not going to see my bf until the 31st which true is only a week away but a week is an improvement for me if I can do it with out going into deep depression or freaking out over a facebook status lol. When your in love someone I'll definately admit it's alot harder to control those things. I'm trying's hard cuz all I wanna do is be around him and make sure he's happy. I wanna be the one to make him happy although I'm starting to fear I don't have the power to do that anymore. We're gonna have a baby and I want him around for that so I'm gonna try not to crowd him. I know he's overwhelmed and need's space so I'm granting him that. yes it's only a week but baby steps lol. I can feel the baby fluttering already ^_^ it makes me happy. My next Dr. appt is the first so we will see how it bf will be there so it should go great! Anyways goodnight everyone!

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*9 Week Ultrasound* [19 Mar 2010|02:34am]
[ mood | hopeful ]
[ music | Lauryn Hill-Can't take my eyes off of you ]

So I had my first ultrasound Thursday and got to hear the heart beat! It was magical ^_^ The baby's heart rate is 186..which is normal. I'm really hoping everything works out with the baby and the baby's father. Broken family's are too common these days,it would be nice to change it up and have a home this baby would be happy to come home to and have a mom and dad around. So for now I will keep praying that everything works out and hope for the best. Well that's all for tonight just wanted to post a pic of the ultrasound for all to see :) Goodnight and enjoy!

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"History lesson" [14 Mar 2010|12:51am]
[ mood | unsure ]
[ music | Lauryn Hill-Killing me softly ]

Isn't it scary how easily history can repeat itself...even when you thought you were the furthest thing from it? Well here I sit, pregnant and alone once again. I guess there is no one to blame but myself...some how I always seem to wind up alone,no matter what I do. If I'm a bitch I end up alone and If I'm a saint I still end up alone. I mean what am I doing wrong here? I was recently told by one of my boyfriends friends that I was selfish because I was taking his best friend from him and that I was just like his ex-wife. He said who is he gonna have around if my boyfriend isn't there for him. I replied with "what about me? What about his pregnant girlfriend? Am I suppose to have no one? Am I suppose to be alone?" He replied with "You have your mom,don't you?" I couldn't believe it...he wants me to give up my boyfriend and I mean I'm not trying to sound selfish by any means..I know what it's like to lose your best friend to there boyfriend or girlfriend,it's not fun. I just don't want to give up the only thing I have right now...I mean sure my mother is around but she doesn't replace the father of my unborn child. I couldn't believe he was calling me selfish. My boyfriend and I have had multiple talks about him moving in and I have constantly stressed that he could see his friends whenever he wants and how they are welcomed to come visit anytime as well. I'm not a friend nazi, I want him to go out and have fun..I too need nights out,so I understand completely. I must say though I'm tired of all the antics and friend hate. Since I've gotten pregnant I feel like I've been shunned...especially from any social activities,It's like "oh no shes pregnant,don't invite her!" I've only got one thing to say about that "Pregnant people need friends too!" I know it sound crazy but come on people. I dunno I try to think of myself as a pretty selfless person...especially when it comes to relationships. I've always been big on giving. I mean I'm sure there are times when I'm a little less glamorous,but I try to be selfless and always consider what my partner is thinking. I'm sure these extra hormones aren't helping by any means,but I don't think it's selfish to ask your boyfriend to move in with you when your pregnant and live an hour away especially when he promised to be at all the Dr.appts and birthing classes. Which right now I have some kind of appt almost every week and I'm the only one who has a car so I'm the one who has to drive an hour to pick him up because none of his so called "Selfless" friends can drive him. It just bugs me that he's out partying while I'm an hour away sitting at home that selfish? Anywho I guess I'm by myself on this one. I put the ball in his court,if he wants to be a part of this he knows where to find me...
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Where do I go from here.... [13 Mar 2010|02:32am]
[ mood | depressed ]
[ music | The cranberries-when you're gone ]

I'm 20,pregnant,jobless,and depressed. I'm so sick and drained all the time. Everything is so exhausting...I'm always alone. I know I'm the one to blame and who could be the only one to change my life...but I don't want a life without him. Lately I feel like that's my only option. Somehow he thinks we could make it being far apart but I don't know if I'm that strong. I want to be...I try to be but I'm afraid by thoughts and depression get the best of me. I don't want to be like this. I want to be a great mother and I want my baby to have a great father. My life wasn't great but I know it could have been alot worse. I don't want my baby to have to deal with that stuff. I want them to have the best life I can possibly give them. I want them to grow up and be the person I never got to be. I want them to feel loved and not alone. I hate that I'm so in love with him...I hate that it controls me and how I feel lost when he's not here. I wish I could read his mind see if he really loves me or not...or see if he's ever gonna hurt me...truth is I'm already hurting. I hate fighting...we fight because I'm not strong enough to let him go. I don't want to be alone...well I guess in 7 months I won't be. I have my first ultrasound thursday..I hope he hearts gonna break if he doesn't. I want him to see our baby's heartbeat..I want him to know this is real.

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*Angry preggo chick on the rise* [19 Feb 2010|06:38pm]
So everything today pretty much sucked! First I'd like to start by thanking the government for there wonderful medicaid system. I've been trying to get my coverage for a while now and I feel like they keep dicking me around Grr! I keep having to turn in more paper work and everytime I go, I ask the counselor "ok o you have everything you need now to process my medicaid right?" and they just reply "if we need anything else we will contact you." Which just pisses me off because then I have to just keep coming back and turning in more stuff,when they should have just had everything in the first place! Last time I was pregnant I didn't have any complaints with medicaid but this time they really know how to press my buttons.

Oh and on top of that I found out there is more stuff I need to get checked up for to make sure the baby is gonna make it. Apparently since my bf is mixed I'm suppose to go get our dna tested to make sure it's compatible to make a healthy baby and my bf genes need to get tested for other stuff too..which makes me more anxious to get insurance. :( I dunno I just wish everything would start working itself out. Plus I have to have everything packed and ready by the 27th which is alot easier said then done..since with my hormone changes all I wanna do is sleep! I dunno I just keep praying that everything will work out and my bf will decide to move in with me so he can help out and be apart of everything like he says he is but that's highly unlikely if he lives so far away.
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Unfortunatly...Thats Unfortunate! [19 Feb 2010|02:26am]
So much has been going on lately...I've met so many great people and everything seemed to be going really well for me for once,I guess I should have noticed that though. I mean when everything's going so well it usually is heading for a downfall,and not that what's happened can't be a positive thing...It's just alot to take in at the moment.

So the main issues I've been dealing with lately is that I'm moving back in with my mother since I'm having some financial fun..and since she lives like an hour away I quit my job(so now I'm broke)...oh and on top of that I recently found out that I'm preggers..just in case I didn't already have enough on my plate. So now I have to get moved and find a new job asap! This is just wonderful....*sigh* I must say though I am extremely lucky to have such a supportive family and boyfriend. I think I'd be in super panic mode more than I already am,if I didn't have them by my side!

This is just another life challenge I have to face and I'm really trying to be positive about it but it's defiantly not gonna be easy. I mean with me living an hour away from my boyfriend and all of my friends..I'm not looking forward to that at all. I'm gonna try to visit as much as possible but the more I think about it..the more reality sets in. I mean with no income at the moment I'm defiantly not going to be able to be driving back and forth to see everybody..not to mention especially in my prego condition.I wish my bf would just move in with me but we just started dating so I guess I understand his delay to..but I mean with everything going on I just don't want to be stranded alone out in the country with my mother! Plus on top of this my last pregnancy was 3 years ago and I every little thing that happens I get worried..even if i sneeze weird I worry..bleh. I just can't wait to get into my 2nd trimester..until then I'm stuck being terrified :( I dunno anyways I'm awfully tired so goodnight everyone!
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