crucio (crucio) wrote in cwf,
@ 2009-11-09 19:03:00

open to varick
It had taken a while for Shannon to get settled, and really, he still didn't feel quite right. He wasn't sure if he ever would, either, but he was willing to try. Each day got a tiny bit easier, though he knew that he wasn't ever going to be the same again. Losing Cameron had been like losing a part of himself, and there was absolutely no way that he'd ever be quite who he was before.

Garrett had given him a room to make a work space out of, and Shannon had all ready filled it with all of the things he needed to just lose himself in sewing and designing. It felt different to do it alone, without Cameron there. Sure, they sometimes worked seperately, but it was difficult realizing that this was the way it was going to be from now on. No more Cameron, just him.

While sewing, he'd caught his thumb in the machine, and he didn't even notice at first because he was so deep in thought. When he saw the blood, though, he felt the sting and winced as he lifted his thumb up to his mouth to suck on it. He shut the machine off and got up so that he could go down the hall and into the bathroom. It was late, but he couldn't sleep. He hadn't been sleeping well at all.

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impotentwaffle
2009-11-10 07:37 pm UTC (link)

Even after the two of them had kissed, Varick never actually asked Shannon to sleep in his bed. He wanted the invitation open, but he didn't know how to go about letting Shannon know. God forbid he just tell the poor thing that he wanted him there all the time. So no one had really talked about what had happened. Cameron would have been amused at least.

Rolling over in bed, he sighed when he saw the empty spot next to him. It jabbed at his stomach and he shut his eyes again, trying to go back to sleep. It didn't work. When he opened the door to the hall, he saw Shannon padding into the bathroom and he could smell the smallest drop of the fox's blood. Following him, he leaned against the door frame. "Sewing accident? It's 2 in the morning."

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crucio
2009-11-10 07:58 pm UTC (link)

Shannon glanced over his shoulder at Varick and he nodded his head as he rinsed his thumb off in the sink. He let his attention return to the task at hand, and he watched as a stream of pinkish red swirled around in the white porcelain.

"Two in the morning? I guess that explains the sewing accident, I should be asleep," he said after he turned off the water and reached for some toilet paper to hold against his thumb. He turned to face Varick with a tired smile. "I tried to sew my thumb to a vest."

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impotentwaffle
2009-11-10 08:29 pm UTC (link)

"I was glad when you started designing again, but not if you're going to be doing it at ungodly hours." He stepped into the bathroom and took Shannon's hand, lifting the paper to examine the wound. The prick of red that had started to form was alluring. Wolves weren't drawn to blood exactly like vampires were, but it still had a pull to the animal side of them. He put the cover back on and squeezed, keeping a hold of it. "Not that you'd be sleeping if you were in bed either. It's almost like we need to be thoroughly exhausted before our bodies shut down anymore."

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crucio
2009-11-10 08:35 pm UTC (link)

Shannon lowered his gaze to watch the way Varick's hand took a hold of his, and he let out a quiet sigh. Now that they'd kissed, he wasn't sure what to expect. Maybe he shouldn't expect anything at all, but it was hard not to feel something around Varick, especially now.

"I keep having dreams about what happened," he said after a moment. Kenneth had very nearly killed him, and it had been very violent. With the stress of losing Cameron, it was difficult to get over.

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impotentwaffle
2009-11-10 08:10 pm UTC (link)

I wish you'd come to me when you couldn't sleep. That's what Varick was thinking, and the words ran over and over in his head, bunching up in his throat but never making it out into the space between them. "I'm going to try my best to make sure nothing like that happens to you again. But--it's hard to promise things after what I let happen to Cameron." Varick simply hadn't been strong enough to protect his mate and that's what it boiled down to. He was logical about it. Yes, there was guilt, but mostly he was just being practical now. He couldn't make promises he didn't know he could keep.

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crucio
2009-11-10 09:12 pm UTC (link)

Shannon couldn't help but frown at Varick's choice of words, and he stepped forward so that he could lift his uninjured hand up to gently touch the side of the wolf's face.

"Don't say that," he said quietly as he shook his head. "You didn't let anything happen to him, Varick. That was our pack, and we should have been safe, all of us." It hurt to know that their own pack mates had turned on them, they were suppose to be a family. "We shouldn't have to defend ourselves from one another. Not like that."

Yes, there were power struggles and challenges, but that usually started and ended with the Alpha. And it was usually much more civil, or at least it was suppose to be.

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impotentwaffle
2009-11-11 12:18 am UTC (link)

"It shouldn't have happened, you're right. But it did happen, and that's what I'm saying. Maybe you're right to have nightmares. If we can't even trust our own pack, how do we trust anyone? The world's just not a safe place and I just want to find a cave somewhere and hole up in it until I die of the elements." He did not like feeling powerless. Varick was not the strongest of all the wolves by far, but he hadn't ever been a pushover. Now he was starting to feel pretty useless, especially when confronted with the strong desire to protect Shannon from all of his fears.

Varick exhaled, leaning back against the wall of the bathroom, pushing his hand through his hair. "I fucking hate feeling like this." It was exceptionally rare that he spoke like that.

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crucio
2009-11-11 12:49 am UTC (link)

The bleeding had finally subsided, and Shannon balled the bloody piece of toilet paper up so that he could toss it into the trashcan beside the sink. He wet his lips and let out a heavy sigh as he listened to Varick's words. He really didn't like the sound of them. He'd all ready lost Cameron, and most of his pack, and now Varick was talking as if he might lose him, too.

After a moment he reached up and cupped Varick's face with both of his hands as he looked up at him. He stepped a little closer to the wolf, pressing his body up against the other, and he leaned in to brush a kiss to Varick's mouth.

"Don't talk like that," he murmured softly, and his voice was a little pleading. "Don't leave me alone, okay?"

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impotentwaffle
2009-11-11 07:37 am UTC (link)

He felt suddenly selfish for letting that emotion break. Shannon didn't deserve to bear the brunt of that nihilistic fantasy. The note of pleading broke Varick's heart and the kiss was enough to crush him.

"I won't," he said, feeling confident that he could keep his word on that. He dropped his hands to slide around Shannon's waist, tugging him in firmly. He just left them like that, his head angled downward, mouths touching, breathing against each other.

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crucio
2009-11-11 07:45 am UTC (link)

Shannon's eyes weren't closed, but they were vey close to it. His hands stayed put, cupping Varick's face, and after a moment they moved to slip up into the other man's hair before he kissed him again. This time it wasn't at all soft. There was an aching in his chest that seemed to amplify and cease all at once, and he was sure it was the mixture of guilt with comfort that was causing it. Being close like this to Varick made him feel like he was betraying Cameron, even if Cameron had told him this was what he'd want if he was gone. Had he really meant it?

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impotentwaffle
2009-11-11 08:12 am UTC (link)

Varick did not have that shred of comfort that came from knowing Cameron would want this. But Shannon was too compelling, and he knew that his mate would have wanted both of them to be happy. He had to take solace where he could find it, even if it came with a dose of apprehension.

The kiss was washing everything away though, and as long as he was connected to Shannon's body in such a way, he could let his brain stop working. Shannon was the sweetest shot of novocaine. As the kiss grew more intense, Varick lifted the smaller man up, urging him to wrap his legs around his waist and holding him there under the backs of his thighs. He liked the weight of him in his arms.

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crucio
2009-11-11 08:25 am UTC (link)

Shannon wanted to ask Varick if Cameron had ever said anything about their conversation to him, but he was a little scared to. A part of him was scared that if Cameron hadn't, Varick might not believe him, as illogical as it was.

He did as he was coaxed and hooked his legs around Varick's waist as well as his arms around the other man's shoulders. He bit down on Varick's lower lip before he broke the kiss and then dipped his head back so that he could offer Varick his neck.

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impotentwaffle
2009-11-11 08:44 am UTC (link)

Sometimes, he really didn't know if Shannon (or Cameron, back when) knew what that kind of offering did to him. It was dismantling. Taking a few steps away from the wall at his back, he pushed Shannon's body to the opposite wall, teeth colliding with skin the moment Shannon's back hit the firm surface.

As he pressed his mouth against his skin, he murmured darkly. "Don't do that unless you mean it."

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crucio
2009-11-11 08:54 am UTC (link)

Shannon let out a soft noise as his back collided with the wall, and he tightened his hold on Varick. He wet his lips and swallowed hard while one of his hands slipped up into the blonde locks of Varick's hair.

"I mean it," he promised softly.

His heart was hammering away inside of his chest, and he couldn't help but be a little afraid. It wasn't an overwhelming fear, it was just that he realized how vulnerable being in love could be and that was a little scary.

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impotentwaffle
2009-11-12 06:06 am UTC (link)

Varick caught the light flavor of alarm, and he wanted to be both the cause of that fear and its solution. His mouth found Shannon's pulse in his throat and he lapped his tongue once against it, enjoying the way it was fluttering under his skin. He closed his lips against that pulse for a moment before pulling back and looking at his face.

"Do you think he would be angry at this?" He had to ask, had to bring it up because the question was just too overwhelming in his head right now.

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crucio
2009-11-12 06:34 am UTC (link)

Shannon held his breath and he shivered a little bit at the feel of Varick's tongue on his neck, and he tightned his hold on the other man. The bathroom wall was cold, but Varick was warm, and he dipped his head down a little bit to press the tip of his nose into Varick's hair. When the other man pulled back, he swallowed hard at the question and held his breath.

"No," he said quietly, "Did he ever talk to you about it?"

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impotentwaffle
2009-11-12 07:32 am UTC (link)

Shaking his head, he leaned harder against Shannon, using the wall to support most of the fox's weight. "Talk to me about it? About what?" He found the idea kind of preposterous. But that was probably why Cameron had never mentioned it to him--just talking about it would upset him. He examined Shannon's expression carefully, trying to determine what he was getting at before he said anything.

"Did he talk to you about it?"

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	crucio 2009-11-12 07:38 am UTC (link)
	Shannon suddenly felt a little bit trapped, and he let out a soft sigh. He had been embarrassed to talk about it with Cameron, but the idea of talking about it with Varick was even worse. He let his legs slip away from Varick's hips so that he could slide down and try to slip away from the wall. "Just once," he said quietly. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

impotentwaffle
2009-11-12 09:12 am UTC (link)

Not about to let Shannon escape so easily, he made sure that his arm blocked the younger man's path. "You talked about us being together? You and I?" It was hard for him to wrap his mind around that, or what it might even mean. Maybe the only point that mattered was that Cameron wouldn't be upset with this arrangement. When his mate had told him to take care of his brother, Varick certainly hadn't considered he'd meant this way.

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crucio
2009-11-12 09:26 am UTC (link)

Shannon couldn't bring himself to look at Varick, and his cheeks felt hot. He knew that Varick wasn't going to let him walk away, and he wasn't going to, he just felt trapped against the wall and the topic of conversation certainly wasn't helping.

"Not like that, not in the way you're thinking," Shannon said softly. "He just knew me so well, so he knew... How I felt about you."

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impotentwaffle
2009-11-12 10:43 pm UTC (link)

He shook his head. "You don't know what I'm thinking," he pointed out gently as he let his hand touch against Shannon's cheek. It upset him that the twins might have spoken about the possibility of one of them dying. It also made him uncomfortable that this was bringing up emotions in him he'd long since buried. He didn't want to think about how he'd felt about Shannon before Cameron had died. It made him feel guilty, or as if he hadn't loved Cameron just for Cameron because Shannon had always been a part of them in some way.

"Did he talk about dying?"

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crucio
2009-11-12 11:05 pm UTC (link)

Shannon kept his gaze lowered for a moment, even when Varick coaxed him to meet his gaze. After a moment, though, he finally lifted his eyes up to the other man and nodded his head.

"I asked him if you knew how I felt, and he said no, but he said that you wouldn't be mad about it. And then he asked me if I would want to be with you if something happened, and I told him not to talk like that. He said he'd want for us to be together, and I got mad and left and that was it."

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impotentwaffle
2009-11-13 12:16 am UTC (link)

Varick was aware of Cameron's heart and how big it was. But that still surprised him. It was an incredible gift that he hadn't even known Cameron had given him until now. Not to mention, he was surprised to discover that Shannon had had feelings for him back then as well.

"I never would have told him this while he was alive, but Cameron was right about pretty much everything." It felt good to be at a point where he could remember the man fondly and even have the ability to laugh a little. But the laugh died and he dropped his hand away from Shannon's path.

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	crucio 2009-11-13 12:24 am UTC (link)
	Shannon swallowed hard as he felt tears start to sting at his eyes, and he lifted a hand up to brush one away as it went cascading down his cheek. He wasn't sure what else to say. He was relieved to have finally gotten it all out, but it wasn't going to bring Cameron back. "You're not upset about it?" he asked quietly. (Reply to this)(Parent)(Thread)

impotentwaffle
2009-11-13 01:08 am UTC (link)

"No," he shook his head and brought his hand up to comb through Shannon's hair. He hated to see the other man cry, though he could never deny him that release. "I'm relieved by it, I think." It didn't solve all of his feelings, but it helped him feel better about the situation.

With a sigh, he nuzzled his face down against Shannon's shoulder. "How exactly did you feel about me back then?" He wanted to hear it, and maybe it was too much to ask, but thinking about it made his heart flutter expectantly.