From: mightbeclever	Date: January 4th, 2011 07:06 am (UTC)		(Link)

"Sort of hard to trust you, though, when fuck off like that." Leon was answering honestly at least. He wasn't even sure how Gael felt at the moment about it, but he sure it was the opposite of 'life is wonderful'. Life was a long way from being wonderful.

"It isn't like I wanted to be..." gay. It wasn't as if he'd wanted to have those feelings at all. He'd known there were there since they'd started in the Upper Academy, though. Sort of as if a light bulb had magically flicked on in his head, and all his feelings made sense with one simple realization- 'I'm gay'.

Which had, in his opinion, been the beginning of the end.

	From: mustbecharming	Date: January 4th, 2011 07:15 pm (UTC)		(Link)

It was almost as though he was developing a twitch, wincing and flinching whenever Leon said anything. Again, not that he didn't deserve it. That was probably part of why it was so hard to hear: it was exactly what happened and Gael was ashamed of that fact.

"I know, but..." He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. This was hard. "It's not like you're different, y'know? I mean, you're still my brother. That doesn't change anything. Yeah, fucking off was fucked up and I shouldn't have done it, but you just... caught me off-guard and I had to process things. I'm really really sorry, Leon..."

	From: mightbeclever	Date: January 4th, 2011 08:54 pm (UTC)		(Link)

"Yeah..." So, Gael was sorry. Good to know. Now what? did they kiss and make up? "Mum and Dad aren't going to be so happy." That was the understatement of the year.

He tapped his feet on the floor for a moment, rocking from side to side in his chair as he took a deep breath. He was waiting, he realized, for the questions. People always had questions, didn't they? The 'how do you know'? 'How long have you known'? Everything like that.

	From: mustbecharming	Date: January 4th, 2011 09:40 pm (UTC)		(Link)

Gael gave a short laugh, shaking his head. It wasn't amused, but more of a nervous reaction. Yeah, that was putting it lightly. "Maybe they'll warm to the idea? I mean, they are our parents..."

That being said, it was unlikely that most of their family would accept it. Certainly not Meme and Pepe... He frowned at his brother, remembering what prompted him to talk to Leon in the first place.

"About those videos you posted... Is that really how you think of yourself?"

	From: mightbeclever	Date: January 4th, 2011 10:53 pm (UTC)		(Link)

"What? Shocked to think that maybe I spend half my time wondering if I can be 'cured'?" Leon rolled his eyes. Alright, so coming out when you weren't comfortable with yourself was certainly a point he should have remembered. Also the point about not doing it in the middle of a fight.

Right.

"I shagged Addy, thinking if I could...maybe I'd feel different."

	From: mustbecharming	Date: January 5th, 2011 07:06 am (UTC)		(Link)

"What? No, I mean..." That wasn't quite what he was asking, exactly. But he wasn't even sure what he was asking. "Do... do you hate yourself because of it?" To him that seemed important. Important in that it was distressing.

"...did it help at all?" Stupid question, but his brain wasn't really firing on all cylinders.

	From: mightbeclever	Date: January 5th, 2011 05:14 pm (UTC)		(Link)

"I hate myself, Gael...because I am 'clinically depressed', which I am sure someone would say is because I 'can't accept my own sexuality'." Which was a round about yes, as he let his chair do a slow spin. It wasn't the most comfortable conversation, but it seemed worse for Gael than him. That, at least, amused him a little.

"No." He commented flatly about how the night with Adelaide had gone. "She fucking loved that night, loves me. I had to think a footballer just to get it up." Not really the most productive thing to realize in the middle of sex.

	From: mustbecharming	Date: January 6th, 2011 02:29 am (UTC)		(Link)

"Right, yeah." Sometimes Gael wished he could just... shake the depression out of Leon or something. It hurt him to know that his brother hated himself, when Gael knew that without Leon he wouldn't be fully functioning. But it seemed that he would never be able to convince his twin of that fact.

He winced at the imagery. That was information he could have lived happily without. "So... what are you going to do, then?"

	From: mightbeclever	Date: January 6th, 2011 05:07 am (UTC)		(Link)

"Don't know." Was all Leon could say, before standing and pulling on a hoodie. "Get high, get drunk, forget about it for a little while longer?" Though, he realized, he was turning to drugs more and more these days. The last month had probably been the longest he'd been clean and sober in over a year.

Not a brilliant track record. "Does it matter? Not like I can tell everyone the truth." They'd probably make his life hell just for the fucking sake of it.

	From: mustbecharming	Date: January 7th, 2011 05:20 pm (UTC)		(Link)

Gael frowned. That wasn't exactly what he wanted to hear. Leon's movements suggested that he was considering this conversation over, but Gael wasn't quite done yet.

"That's not what I meant. It does matter." He ran a hand through his hair, agitated now. "You don't have to tell everyone, but some people deserve to know. What about Addy?" He stared at his brother. "You can't just keep doing this to her. And you can't keep filling yourself up with drugs and shit to try and forget about things."

	From: mightbeclever	Date: January 8th, 2011 07:29 pm (UTC)		(Link)

He felt a pang of guilt when Adelaide's name was brought up. Yeah, he knew. He knew he had to tell her, but that seemed so hard and...well asking for trouble.

"Why not? Everyone else can do it, why can't I?" He wasn't even sure how he felt about the whole thing either. "What do you want me to do, huh? Go around tossing hearts and shit into the air?" Screw the logic. If drinking made him feel better for just a little while, why can't he get drunk?

	From: mustbecharming	Date: January 8th, 2011 07:35 pm (UTC)		(Link)

He should have known this wouldn't be easy. Leon was never the easiest person to talk to when he was in a good mood, let alone when he was feeling more miserable and pissed off. But that never stopped Gael from trying.

"Yeah, but they don't do it the way that you do..." He didn't really want to sound like he was accusing Leon of being addicted or something when, you know, that's exactly what he was doing. "And no, I don't what you to throw hearts around and whatever the fuck, I just want you to know that you're not as along as you seem to think you are."

	From: mightbeclever	Date: January 8th, 2011 09:03 pm (UTC)		(Link)

"They don't get high?" Leon gave Gael a look that said he hardly believed that. "Don't be such a fuckin' puss. Nothing terrible is going to happen to me because I get high. Just...enjoy the ride, yeah?"

He found his keys to pocket them, and slipped his wallet into his back pocket. Before heading toward the door, though, he slapped Gael on the shoulder and offered a weak, but there smile. "Buck up, go hang with Michi or something."

	From: mustbecharming	Date: January 8th, 2011 09:23 pm (UTC)		(Link)

Gael rolled his eyes. "That's not what I meant, and you know it." He gave Leon a look right back. He couldn't help but worry. Drugs were definitely not the best thing to mix with anti-depressants... Not that Gael thought Leon had been taking them recently.

He gave Leon a half-hearted smile in return. It didn't reach his eyes, but his expression showed he cared. "Yeah, maybe. You know how to find me if you need me." He ran his hand through his hair, sighing a little. "I'm always here for you. No matter what."

	From: mightbeclever	Date: January 8th, 2011 11:02 pm (UTC)		(Link)

"Yeah...I know." He smiled a little before opening his door and looking back. "Going over to Lalaurie, I'll be back late. Don't wait up, alright? Already have a mum, don't need two."

And with that, he pushed out the door and down the hall. He needed to get high, he decided, if he wanted to make it through this year.