Dean Urquhart (thebetterdean) wrote in riddikulus,
@ 2008-01-20 12:27:00

Who: Sam and Dean
When: Sunday Oct 12th
Where: Boys' Dorm
Rating: Something for language I assume
Status: Incomplete

This was perhaps the hardest thing he would ever have to do and he knew it. Dean was laying on his bed after breakfast waiting for Sam to make his appearance in the dorm, he had to tell him. It wasn’t fair for him just to go off with Stewart without telling Sam first. He had to tell him his choice; he deserved to know where his heart lay. He wanted to say it was with Sam so as not hurt him, but it was hurting himself and what he discovered he wanted. Dean couldn’t explain it but the three year crush had apparently run its course, right as his crush was returning to feeling. Dean felt like he was doing something stupid, but he knew it was the right thing. He was only thinking of staying with Sam because he was afraid to lose him as a friend, but that was no way to build a relationship. It was breaking him apart to have to say this to Sam because he knew once he did; the friendship wouldn’t be at least not for a while. Dean was going to try hard to keep the friendship, after he gave Sam as much space as he could. Why did romance have to be so complicated?

Dean sat up on his bed as he heard the door of the boys’ dorm and ran his fingers over his eyes before putting his glasses back on. He looked over at the door waiting for Sam, he had to do this quick.

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samlish
2008-01-20 10:30 pm UTC (link)

It had been a day full of thoughts, mostly worried, some of them angry though, as he had detention after detention with all those professors, it wasn't enough with just one with one professor a day, no they had to make him suffer even more. Tired he had gotten nearly no sleep, because even if he had been dead tired the night before, there was way too many thoughts in his head and that made him worried, which made it hard for him to sleep, even if he was so tired and he wanted so badly to do so. But he had fallen a sleep around five, and had woken up two hours later, just to hurry down to detention in the library with Pinch, he had been late, which only got him to do even more job and when he got to breakfast he was even too tired to eat more than one single though, and then he felt like he was on his way of throwing up. He opened the door slowly to their dorm, and he was excepting to be alone there, but when he was Dean on his bed, with messy hair and his glasses on the edge on his nose a little bit, he gave him a look with raised eyebrows and walked into their dorm and throw himself on his bed, his face away from him, on his stomach as he buried his nose into his pillow and mumbled into it. "I'm dead.. they killed me.. I haven't eaten and I haven't slept.. And my head hurts.." He groaned as he whined and turned so his face was faced to Dean on the pillow, he looked over to him, he was quiet, too quiet.. something had to be wrong..

"What is it..? Where are you doing here.. you are not a prison here like me you know." He was a bit upset with Dean still, but since that night when they had slept together, he sort of felt a whole lot of better with the whole thing, and to tell the truth, Dean had gotten Sam to fall for him now, but he didn't make it all that clear, as Dean had done to him at first after he had told him.

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thebetterdean
2008-01-20 10:42 pm UTC (link)

Just hearing Sam talk like things was normal was painful, because yeah it was a little better between them but not back to before. Dean was about to fuck it up even more and he knew it. He was stressed about it and didn’t even know how to start. He just sat there looking at the form of Sam laying on the bed and just hung his head. This sucked.

“I…have decided.” Dean said as he looked up at him, his holy socks not keeping his attention any longer, how could they when he has this on his mind. He looked at Sam trying not to show the disappointment and sadness on his face. How could he do this to him? He had to though because he was doing what was right for him.

With a heavy sigh he just decided it was best for him to just say it. “I have chosen Stewat…” he said softly. He tired to stay looking at Sam but it was a lot harder than he thought.

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samlish
2008-01-21 12:08 am UTC (link)

Swallowing hard, he sat up, he could not believe what he was just hearing Dean saying to him, he pulled a hand through his hair, letting the finger run through it, and then he bit his lip, looking down into his lap. His tears was starting to come, rising in his eyes, but he refused to let them come, so he just rubbed them away quickly with one hand, one eye after the other. After maybe a few minutes he thought he had his voice back and he looked up to meet Dean's look over their beds, it was good they were alone in here, because if they hadn't been Sam would have rushed out long ago, but right now there was no other way to go, since he knew he common room was full, and he really wasn't allowed to go anywhere else. "Fuck you.." He said, his voice breaking at the end slightly, and he didn't want to be here anymore. He got up from the bed and walked to the door, mumbling more to himself than to Dean. "I'm out of here.. I don't care if I get kicked out of school.. I'm going out.."

He was so not planning to stay around and listen to Dean's shit, how much he loved Stewart or liked or whatever, and how he could give him what he needed. He was fucking 16! He needed sex, not a romantic serious relationship, and Stewart, Dean's parents would kill him, Sam so knew it. The tears was starting up more, he felt his nose getting stuffed from trying to hold back the tears and his throat started to burn, he just wanted to move away from Dean.. The night before he had even told him he loved him.. fuck he had been sinking so low, done any fucking thing, and now he picked Stewart anyway, fuck it had been Dean to get him into his mess, into how he felt today.. like shit.. no food, to sleep and he just wanted to run from everything. "You're such a freaking liar.."

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thebetterdean
2008-01-21 12:32 am UTC (link)

Fuck you, of course he was expecting that because he deserved that. Dean had made Sam experience things because he had liked him, and he head led him on. He deserved everything Sam was dishing out to him. He felt like shit saying this to Sam, but he had to tell him didn’t he? He had a right to know what he chose. “Don’t go out Sam, I will be the one to leave.” Dean said getting up and trying to remain calm.

All Dean knew was that he liked Stewart that it was something different and so much easier than Sam. It just seemed to flow and it hurt a lot less to be with him. He knew Stewart was okay with being gay, and he knew that he could trust him. Sam could be all of that too, so Dean couldn’t really explain it but his feelings for Sam had lessened over the last little while and it was hard to explain why.

Then he heard Sam’s words calling him a liar and turned around to look at him. “How am I a liar?” He said hurt by Sam. How had he lied to him he wanted to know. Dean didn’t know why but this hurt him more than he thought. Was he making the right choice? Dean wished things had never happened with both of them and he could just be normal and hiding the fact he was gay from everyone. It was surprisingly easier.

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samlish
2008-01-21 09:51 pm UTC (link)

The tears was hurting his throat more and more, and he wanted to just run out, but if the tears would come then, which they would probably do, then all the people in the crowded common room see them and he would be laughed at, he so knew it. And it was bad enough that they laughed at him and called him fag and other words, behind his back, but to his face, he didn't know if he would be able to take that. He swallowed, trying to get the bump in his throat down so he could concentrate to only be mad at Dean, because that was what he wanted, to be really mad and almost punish him, not be a baby and cry. He turned away from the door that he was standing at ready to leave and go out, and stared at Dean. He had made him think.. think he actually liked him, turned him to fall for him to and then he just left him? He was such a fucking asshole, how could he not see that? His jaw was shaking, as he bit down on his bottom lip and tried to hold it there, he wouldn't cry.. he just wouldn't. "I thought you.. t-thought you had at last come to your fucking senses! But you freaking enjoy this don't you? Lie to me.. tell me you like me.. more than a friend and then you go to someone else.. when you enjoy seeing me get hurt by it! YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE..! Y-you.. just.. Fuck off..!"

He turned away, as the tears started to break out in his eyes and escape them and roll down for his cheeks. It was not a slow and quiet crying, it was a panic filled and hysterical one, leaving him sobbing like a three year old little boy, he coughed and tried to take a deep breath to calm himself down, but it didn't work his mind couldn't stop thinking about it. How he would completely alone now, he didn't even have Dean.. as anything anymore. And who had gotten him into all of this? Dean. If he had never had told him he actually liked him more than a friend, things would be just normal and he didn't even do anything, or said anything, to comfort him. It was all about him, him and him, as long as he was loved in the right way and as long as he was happy and out being gay as he wanted, fuck anyone else! Just fuck them.. Dean had changed.. or had he always been like this..? Maybe, and Sam had never seen it. He had been so blind, thought that they actually were friends.

The tears was falling more and more now, he was shaking, as he felt so stupid and so embarrassed, but he just couldn't stop it, it was like the last hope he had been holding onto now was gone, everything was cut off from him, and he was all alone, and he could only call for help, but never did anyone come. "Fucking hell.." He mumbled to his shaking hands, and tried to relax, bit it was impossible to do right now, he just wished nothing had never happened, that he would not feel like this.. that he would be his happy old self back again.. the person that could press away these worried and depressed thoughts, not this person that couldn't control them and that fell a part every time they came..

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thebetterdean
2008-01-22 12:41 am UTC (link)

Dean just hoped he didn’t cry, that was the last thing he wanted, and wanted to see. Hurting his best friend was the hardest thing to do, and if he could feel the way he had at the beginning of the year for Sam he would. Stewart just some how grew to something far more than he had ever expected it too. He had always thought that being with Stewart was just a way to make Sam come to his senses and see how being fucked with hurt. Dean never expected to make himself fall head over heels as quickly with Stewart as he did. Perhaps it was the fact Sam was dating some girl, or just that the three year crush had run its course. Whatever it was Dean wished it wasn’t true, right at this moment as he was being yelled at and called a liar by his best friend. Nothing hurt more than this.

“Why the fuck would I enjoy this Sam? What the fuck makes you think I wanted this to happen. It just did. My want for you friendship completely out weighed my feelings for you as they were at the beginning of the year. I did like you, I was crazy about you. And then he happened. I can’t explain it, but that is just what happened. It fucking hurts to see you like this, and it hurts ten times more to know I’m doing it.” Dean looked at Sam, afraid of what was going to happen and wondered if this was impossible to make work again. This was killing him and all he wanted to do was reverse time and take it all back. He would rather be stuck pining for Sam then actually having him even for the brief time he did. Dean felt he never truly did have, until it was too late.

Dean looked at Sam, his own body shake and knew he would cry. He wanted to hold onto Sam, he wanted to do something. He still cared about him, and for Dean that was saying a lot. He never usually gave a damn about anyone, but Sam was who he cared about like a brother. He loved him like a brother. Dean didn’t know how his obsession with him turned into platonic love, but it had.

Screw what his mind was telling him to do and he moved closer to Sam, he wanted to hug him but would Sam let him? “I’m so sorry.” He said as his own tears started. He placed a hand on his shoulder at first but then moved to hug him. Dean was ready to be pushed away, despite how much it would break his heart to be pushed away he was ready for it.

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samlish
2008-01-22 01:17 am UTC (link)

If Dean thought he was making things better with what he was saying to him, he was wrong, really couldn't be more wrong. If he had done it without getting him into it.. then maybe Sam had been a little bit more fine with it, but now, when Dean just spoke about that Ackerley happened and then he couldn't explan it. In other words Dean had just told him that sure he was ok, but Ackerley was so much better and he would pick him over Sam any day, whatever it was on about. It hurt worse than anything had done yet, because that meant that not even their friendship meant enough for Dean, over six years of friendship, one of the closest ones, and he was right now just ready to throw it away on a Ravenclaw, on his school crush. He thought he had known him.. Sam would never ever pick any of whoever he was with over Dean, and he had thought it had been the same for his best friend, that he would never do that either.. But he guessed he had been wrong, fuck he had been such a fool. The tears that had calmed down maybe for a little short while, not started up again, the hysterical ones, and he started to sob loudly, feeling more and more like a bloody girl, but right now he couldn't control it or stop it, so he tried to ignore thinking how stupid he looked and all. But why should he care? He was just crying in front of a liar and false best friend..

When he suddenly heard Dean said he was sorry, and then there was a hand on his shoulder and before he could get it as far away as he could away from him, he felt Dean come to hug him, and he froze. Sam loved hugs, he loved any touching like that, and kissing too, but now he hated it. He felt himself getting angry and he felt how disappointed he felt, how tricked, Dean had been playing with him.. and what did he try to do..? No words, except I'm a sorry and a few ones about how he had suddenly met the most amazing person that beat out Sam anytime, not one fucking comfort word.. more than that and then he tried hug him?! He would have loved Dean's hug almost any time but right now, now he just wanted him as far away from him as possible, so out of no where he gave Dean a hard push and took a couple of steps away, just staring at him, hurt, angry and so much disappointment shining out through his eyes, and was showed all over his face, as he just stood there, with cheeks red and striped from the tears, that was still running down there.

"FUCK OFF! What part of that don't you get?! I wish I never could see you again.. I wish you would just go away! Go to him, the perfect one.. he that just happened, he that you would pick me over ANY FUCKING DAY! Him, go to him, Dean! Go and to him and hug him and cry, or you know what? Laugh, do that, laugh and tell him how I cried like a little baby and how much enjoyed that! I bet he would love to tell all his friends! And you know what?! When you're at it?! Tell that bitch Morag too! We both know you already fucking did! SO FUCK OFF, DEAN, FUCK OFF!" He knew the people down in the common room could hear, but he so didn't care right now, it felt like Dean had stabbed him, it was just as painful.. or so he guessed.. he wanted to just leave, but he had no where to go, and if he left school, what waited him there? A mother that didn't give a fuck, his sisters who were all married and lived on their own and a quiet grave.. that never would give him the comfort he wanted and needed so badly.. He never thought it was even possible to feel so lonely and so out of all energy to even live and breath..

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thebetterdean
2008-01-22 01:32 am UTC (link)

Just as Dean expected he was pushed away, and it just made him stand there and look at Sam. He scratched the back of his head through his hat and moved his hand to his cheek to brush the tears away that were falling. He looked at Sam completely heart broken that Sam wouldn’t take his apology, but then could he blame him. He had hurt him, and he had really fucked up.

“Sam I’m not leaving.” He looked at him brushing his tears that continued to fall away from his face. “I care about you, no matter what. You are like fucking family to me. You are my family. My mum and dad don’t give a shit about me. You were all I had, you are all I have. I love you, just not more than a brother. I thought I did, but my constant obsession with you was just my way of holding on to you.” Dean looked down at his feet and he scuffed them against the ground. “I don’t care if you don’t talk to me, and you can leave if you want to, but I am staying here to be with you. I am not going to just let you go. I can’t have the only person I have cared about other than myself for the last six years leave on me. I don’t care if you talk to me. I just want to know you are there. If you need me ever, and I have plans with Stewart I will cancel. If you are hurt, or upset I will be there.” Dean felt his voice breaking as he talked. He was not going to hold it together; he knew he was going to sob hysterically at some point.

Dean moved to sit on his bed and looked at Sam. “I mean it. If you ever need me I will be there. The fact I hurt you is what is killing me the most right now. If I could love you the way I thought I did I would, I really would. You mean the world to me. You are my family. If people ask me who my family is, it is you. Life without you seems strange and foreign. I didn’t know people could care about you, till I met you.” Dean removed his shoes and moved to lie on his bed. He would say here. Sure he had made plans to see Stewart, but he wasn’t leaving. If Sam was here, he was here. He wanted to comfort him some way, some how, even if it was just laying in silence.

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