The Jot

My Life, My Words, My Story.

11/30/10 12:34 am - Back and still not here

I don't know what brought me back, it seems my life goes in cycles and I always wind up back where I started. I read some of my past words and still feel the same things I did then. The environment has changed, but the feelings and problems have not. I sometimes feel as though I have stumbled onto something good, something that will make me into someone better. Yet all these chances require effort and determination, both of these things I seem to lack. I know I am lazy, and I will always keep trying, but I wonder if I will ever finally finish something...finish and finally move on.

11/5/08 06:28 pm - Workload

I've been so busy that I really haven't had much time to wonder. Unfortunatly sickness has left me with ample time to contemplate today and my thoughts have been a bit dreary. I only managed to get six pages to my story done till another phase hit me, but I don't plan to leave this one hanging in the air, I still want to keep this story going for as long as I can.

I have so much to do, I don't think I can get it all done. I worry constantly that I am not working hard enough and I know that I am not. I don't work outside of school so many look down at me thinking I am care free and if I can't handle my work I am then just lazy.

Maybe I am. Maybe I have always known that I am not one to be able to take on such tasks and see them through. But that leaves me to think, 'where am I to go from here?' There must be something I can do with what I have.

Well here is another day of wasteful worrying. I am going to go and work on my storyies more, maybe that will keep me busy.

11/2/08 06:03 pm - Going to keep going

I finally decided on a story and wrote three pages for it last night. That is only half of the expected six pages, but I figure that three will have to do. If I go for six I will only wear myself out in the first week. Even three may be pushing it for me, it seems words don't come as naturaly to me anymore. Either way at least I am writing out a story for once and not just placeing the idea down and forgetting about it.

After writing the first three pages I wanted nothing more then to show the world, I have forgotten how annoying writting can be when you have no one to share it with. I often think my writing and ideas are good, but I am not so blind as to not know that, that is only ignorance talking. I am sure most english teachers would faint if they tried to read my writeing and most other readers would toss them aside as ordinary and unoriginal. But that doesn't stop me from dreaming.

I wonder if I will ever be able to see a story through.

11/1/08 09:52 pm

Seems it is national write a novel month or some such. I have debated participateing and at the moment am actually thinking of it. Will I complete it? No, I know myself to well for that...but knowing I will fail has never really stopped me from starting anything anyways. Let's try it and see where it goes.

But which story shall I choose? There are so many floating in my head right now! I think I want to do one that would be easy to write, probably with a character like myself and in moderninsh time or slightly futureistic time. I was originally thinking of my old 'Watcher' idea, but I am starting to go against that.

6 pages a day...

I wonder what I should do?

10/9/08 11:54 am - Onwards and Forewards

My days are going from bad to worse it seems. Add to that, that my future is on shaky grounds do to the decisions of one teacher. Who said it was a good idea to allow one man to decide the path of my future? I only know that more than anything I wish to stick to the path I have made for myself and trudge on, talent or not. I just hope all goes well. I don’t want to disappoint anyone, especially myself.

10/7/08 10:25 pm - Setting sail once more...

My life is slowly starting up again from this dream I was living in. It’s an odd sense to fall back in a groove that never seems to be the same, and yet you know you are falling into it, it’s like coming home.

I have this idea that is running rampant in my mind, yet I can’t seem to get myself to pursue it. I wonder if it is my procrastination kicking in or if the time isn’t right for it. Maybe it must stew in my head a bit longer before it is ripe enough to be plucked. Then again, some fruit ripen faster off the plant.

I am falling once more as the time draws near for that final leap. That chance to cast myself out there and see what I catch…or what catches me. I wonder if I am ready, will ever be ready? Am I slacking to much… am I as much a loser as I seem to think?

At least my roommates are back, I am no longer surrounded by loneliness. It doesn’t matter how much I talk to them, just their presence reminds me there is a world outside of my head…plus I don’t talk to myself as much when they are around.

9/20/08 10:00 pm - Alone

I have been so busy in the last few weeks due to school, and I only have another day before I leave for vacation. I am in one of those phases where I would really like to do something, though I don't know what. I have been searching the web for a TV series or movie to watch, but nothing seems intresting.

I'm burnt out, tired, and feel utterly alone right now...all my room mates, save one, have left for break and I have trapped myself in my bedroom like always. Though now it just feels empty. Video games don't content me, all my movies seem dull and nothing on the net purks my intrest. I almost want to sleep tomarrow away so I can leave this dull existance I am liveing.

I would write, or draw, or do something creative if I wasn't so tired. I'm not tired as in I want to sleep, just tired from all the stress of finals week and letting my mind be occupied by homework every wakeing moment. Now I only hope that it all pays off and that I pass my classes.

I want a story...not one of my own but one I can watch or read. I want something new and exciteing. I want to be someone else for the next few days and live in their adventure. But at the same time I think all I want is for something or someone to fill this silence that lurks around me. It seems as though it's a living entity, I can't shake this feeling of being watched.

Dam. Why is it so cold in here?

9/6/08 11:01 pm - See past it all

It would be interesting to be able to read people’s minds. To just sit in a corner and hear their conversations with themselves. I wonder if everyone is really the same when they are alone. If when in the only place where they think no one is listening they shed all those skins they have been wearing and be the true person they are. I wonder if anyone can read my mind. I wonder if they know that I am different when I am alone too. That I am not that girl who laughs at every bad joke, or is always smiling and happy. I wonder if they know that all those excuses are really just excuses.

If a person could read someone’s mind, could know that person better then any other, would they still like that person, still hate that person? Without a skin you’re just muscle and bone, all the ingredients to make a perfect living thing. No brown hair, no green eyes, no oddly placed freckle on your thumb. I wonder how different we would be if we all could read minds.

Or perhaps we wouldn’t change at all.

8/23/08 02:00 am - Fallowing that road

Sometimes I look back on my own words and wonder ‘Who is that person?’ I know in the end it is me, and I still remember why I write them. I even still feel what pain or joy I had when I wrote them. I just wonder why it was at that time I was so willing to be forthcoming to not only myself, but to my future self and anyone who might chance on those words as well. It takes a lot of effort not to push that delete button and watch it all disappear as though it wasn’t there, isn’t there. I don’t think I should worry to much on the strangers eyes, it is my own that I hide from the most. It is myself I don’t want to disappoint because I fear I do it enough already.

I know I am at a stage in my life where I am at the brink of something. Whether it is a mountain to climb, or a cliff to fall from I cannot not tell for my eyes can not see through the fog that is the future. Sometimes I wish I could see. Could just peer into the distance so I can know what obstacles I am to face so I may be prepared for them. I am no longer a child, no longer waddling behind in the shadows of those bigger and wiser then I. They had already climbed this mountain and are well set into their paths. There may be a few bumps and valleys, but they have already gone through the troubles I face today. I hope that I can wind up on paths like theirs someday.

5/20/08 12:52 am - Can't Look Foreward

I fear my future and what I am making of myself. I used to think this is what I want, but now I have my doubts. I always thought of the end product, never the process or the commitments and sacrifices I would have to make. It scares me more then I have ever been scared before, whether it be from fear of the future and the path I chose, or maybe I am just not used to walking on my own yet. Either way I find myself questioning my motives and reasoning. It leaves me indecisive and undetermined and I suffer from the delay. So much to do, so much to work on, and yet I can’t seem to get myself to do it. Am I suffering from a loss of motivation? Or perhaps I never had it. Maybe I am just lazy.

5/11/08 05:09 pm - Stream Of Conscience and a Cup Of Fries..

Who would have thought that it would have turned out that way, so simple and yet so surreal? It’s a question that lasts throughout the ages and a command that echoes throughout time. A simple phrase lost in the wind, never quite reaching the ears of its intended. Passable, audible, moveable, it’s a chance to be changeable and a way to be direct. Insinuated amongst its forbearers and unseen by its followers; questionably tactics.
You can’t try to understand it, it’s beyond compensation or reasonability. It’s just something you accept, like some sort of religion based on a history that never existed. It’s something to hold onto because you don’t know what else is real, even though you know that what you believe isn’t the truth of anything. It’s a simple desire to rule over that which is beneath others. Bringing up the underdog under your banner of strength, it’s just putting pity on something that isn’t as weak as you expect.
Persuasion at its core, with violent tendencies and disrespect for the gullibility of others. A monumental pause in time as the clock passes its fourth chime and you’re still waiting for it to remember its nothing more then a pendulum with a pretty face. Try as you might you can’t stop it from swinging but you managed to make it go mute and somehow time just stopped ticking by.
Plausibly, deniable proof somehow it screams dedication and a lack of inspiration or the desire to create anything but the prize that is received at the end of a monotone rainbow. Somehow you lost track at cloud number 9 and carry the extra baggage as proof of a plot gone sour as it gets swept away with that breathe that never came and the words of that phrase that echoes throughout time. That undeniable phrase that lasts throughout the ages and into the era of prehistoric and beyond the future into the realm of the immaterial despair, a question that burns the tongue but is lost somewhere at the tip of it. Like a suicide that can’t be taken on because of a heart attack seems to take the better of its victim before he can step off the roof. To bad the cops found him on the ground splattered on the pavement. It was nothing but a moral dilemma.
Castaways on a island of self doubt they batter at each others wills till they all sink in their own egos as the cash rains down from the sky like snow on a dessert. If only it came when the fire had to be lit, its not worth much without a bank to cash it or a credit to use it or a mind to bargain it off the highest bidder.
Crispy fried and baked to order it’s the crème Della crème, the cream of the crop and wind beneath goose feather wings stuffing the pillows of a man who can’t seem to wake up from the dream called reality. A pressure burning the side f his head as he bangs his brains into the bunk above him in time for early muster. To bad the captain told him last night that the bars on his shirt resembled the bars on his door and neither could be forgotten under pain of death.
Creepy old man with the fish eyes star out into a sea of chalk yelling words that get lost in the wind, that ageless phrase, the timeless command, the hallowed saying that forever is translated beyond our words….
“Oh, shit.”

5/10/08 01:24 am - My Words

I came back, though I know not why, maybe because these words are so much a part of me that I can’t leave them behind. Either way, I fear for their very existence for I know if they where to disappear or to be stolen it would be like losing a piece of myself. I don’t know if I could stand that, I am not all here entirely to begin with…so to lose even more of me might not leave enough to be worked with and the whole thing would be scraped as a waste of time. But if that is so, why do I continue to write? Why would I put them here for someone to possibly take? Maybe I trust others to much, maybe I hope that these words will help someone else help me? In any case they are here…here for whatever reason that they are. I hope that I do not regret my choices, I try so hard to never have a reason to look back without smileing.

5/10/08 01:23 am - Where to go?

I don't know which direction to turn, its my own stupidity that has led me this far and I can't stop looking to it for directions even though it never knows which way its going. I don't know what I am waiting for, I always feel I am waiting for someone or something to pick me up and push me in the right direction. I know this isn't going to happen, but I can't get rid of my hope that it will come. I have no friends to turn too, no place to go, sometimes I just want to give it all up, but I have nothing to give up except everything and I refuse to push it that far. I don't have a enough of a self desctucive personality for such things. I just wish I could be strong enough to change myself. I don't want to quit my addictions because I like them, but I don't want to be consumed by them, I just want live and be happy, how can I do both I feel like I have to give up one for the other, live now, doing what is needed to do make the future bright and happy. But I don't want to be just a happy old person, I want to be happy now. This is stupid to say, I can be happy and live but for some reason I just can't get myself to do the living part. How do I change? Can someone come into my life and give me a good slap?! I just want something to turn to, something I won't feel bad useing, something I don't feel as though I owe it....or them. Where is my kinght it shiny armor to rescue me from this rut I have gotten myself stuck in? The wheel is still spinning but I'm not going anywhere fast....
God I feel so alone...

5/10/08 01:21 am - Gilded not Golden

That path I have chosen no longer looks gold. More like sun baked mud that had glittered in the distance from the heat of the sun. Everything that seems as though it would be right for me is out of reach, and everything else doesn’t seem appealing. I want to strive for the unattainable, but I know myself to well to be fooled into thinking I would have the drive or the stamina. No matter how many times I try to change it seems I lose power but a few moments after I tried a new rout. Where does one turn, and what does one do when there is so much invested into this one direction I seem to be heading in? I feel as though I am on a one way street and should have made a turn at that last exit. Am I truly unhappy on this path? Or am I merely scared of failing? I can’t tell, nor do I know where I can find the right answers. Being who I am has left me emotionally stranded and secluded to my own dreams. I have no one to talk to, not about such things…and it seems the people that I do say something too either don’t care enough or just don’t know how distraught I am over these things. I know I tend to come off as generally a happy and uncaring person, but that doesn’t make me unemotional…just hard to read I guess. I feel like an electrical cord full of power and great potential with no clue where to plug it into, like I need that initial shock, or someone else to stick me into the wall so I can let it all flow. Or maybe I am just pretending…it feels like all those childhood dreams have fallen and crashed down around me, but worse then that…I don’t remember ever dreaming those dreams.

5/10/08 12:57 am - A moment to myself.

I wonder what I look like from the outside? I wonder if anyone know is what I look like from the inside. I hope that I don't loose my mind from trying to understand the way people act the way they do. Its more a curse then anything to always see two sides of the story, Its like always taking part of the blame onto yourself, or to be entirely baffled on why such things even happen. I wonder if I'll ever change, or am I doomed to forever be lonely because of a cowardice of what people would think of me where I to step out of my self made shell.

I have a feeling that these walls are blocking just as much in as they are blocking out. Perhaps one day I'll finally know the truth.

5/10/08 12:56 am - I try, I really do.

Don't trust me, I can't even trust myself.

5/10/08 12:56 am - Happiness isn't eternal.

Brash young fool, do you truly think the world works that way?
Your going to have to work harder if you want tomorrow to be as good as today.
It all goes downhill from here.....

5/10/08 12:54 am - To be out there

Its calling. That sweet melody in the distance, I can hear it and it is calling me. It taunts me with its promises unspoken. It sings to me of things to come, things so fulfilling that I feel an appetite I never have felt before. I want nothing more then to fallow it off this beaten path and tread on the soft soils of the unimaginable and plunge into the pits of unreality. To give up everything to be something other then right here or right now. To lose grip on the forces that seemed bent on pushing me to the edge and making me question all that I am and all that I probably can’t be.

Why is reality so unforgiving, why does it seem so dark compared to the lushness of just forgetting it all.

5/10/08 12:48 am - A glimpse of a dream.

You desire it with a passion that surpasses even the strongest of feelings in body. Your blinded by it, entrenched in it, and want nothing more then to drown in it. It can take you so fast to where you want to be, then leaves you wondering what had been in control, you or it. Nothing seems to matter anymore but getting that feeling back, but how? And why can’t you call it up on your own. It’s a feeling that makes everything seem brighter around you, purging you from the darkness. It’s a short lived dream that seems to surface whenever it feels like showing itself, uncaring of when you actually need it.

Some people have dreams, others have goals….then there are some, who don’t have anything but small glimpses of a desire to be something more.

5/10/08 12:47 am - Chasing that dream

It moves to fast for many to understand, changing every time you can get a grasp on it. Its shape changes as you hold it; slowly slipping from your grasp, then shoots off into the distance. You run, as fast as your human body will allow you, but it is uncatchable, unattainable. You may try as much as you like buts its speed and ever-changing state leaves it nothing but an unquenchable desire burning out your insides, searing your soul with a heat so intense you wonder if anything could make it stop. You know your task is futile but you cannot quit, you have to keep going. Everything is against you, you know you will never make it, but you have to go on. You have to keep chasing it, keep fallowing it, and keep desiring it. This urge to have it has made you forget why you even started going after it. Everything else is just a passing memory.
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